When the Battle Ends

I have been reflecting over the last 6 years of my life.

Since arriving in Tomball, I have been a student, intern, and staff member here at TBC. I have graduated twice and moved 3 times. I have made incredibly sweet friendships and lost some. And we’ve walked the loss of two family members. I have walked with a group of girls since my senior year of high school, and crazy enough now it’s theirs.

Ecclesiastes 3:3 says, “a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build.”

The past 5 years of my life, for me, have been a time to kill and a time to tear down.

My biggest battle hasn’t been all the change since moving here (however challenging any of them might have been), but it has been the battle against trauma and depression. Fighting against the false belief that I was defined by the trauma I went through when I was 16. That I was defined by the blunt fact that someone tried to take my life from me, whether they meant to harm or not.

I was broken when we moved here. I had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, what I must do.

I have spent these past years in therapy, with more than 150 Tuesday afternoons in Jana Patrick’s living room, countless hours in Ashely Nelson’s kitchen, and probably have had hundreds of conversations with my parents, killing what I had learned to believe about myself.

Years of God healing and tearing down what was broken inside me at 16. And building up what is true.

Truly believing that the Bible is a book about God and by God. That what is true about me and my identity is ONLY true because of WHO GOD IS and what He has done. Building up the truth that I am defined by God, and Him alone. Not by anything that has happened to me.

I know who I am. I know who God has called me to be.

I am relieved and incredibly thankful to say that the door of trauma’s hold on my life is closed. There has been immense healing, and I am so grateful.

But when you’ve been fighting for years and the battle ends, weapons are down, war is over. Maybe my time of peace is coming?

It makes me ask the question of what’s next. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a door shut in your life and the path seems unclear on what to do next.

There are calls all over the Bible on what we are supposed to do or how we are supposed to act in Christ: “holy as I am holy,” “go therefore and make disciples of all nations,” “walk in faithfulness. Be obedient.”

And while trauma’s hold on my life is over, there’s the little matter of my autonomic nervous system not functioning correctly.

Since the onset of my chronic illness in 2020, I have wrestled with the thought of faithfulness. How can I be faithful to do what is asked of all believers when I spend every day with the fact that something is not right with my body?

POTS, dysautonomia, MCAS, and autoimmune disease are fierce things. When I texted Andrea when doctors thought that POTS might be my diagnosis, she said, “I sure hope not. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.” And her words couldn’t be any more true.

How can I be faithful to the God who has rescued me out of darkness when some days my glasses aren’t enough to correct my vision? How can I be faithful when simply standing brings my heart rate from 70 to 170 bpm just by standing? How can I be faithful when it’s all I can do to pull myself out of my bed and to my couch? How can I be faithful when the only mountain I will probably ever climb again is the stairs from the lobby to film announcements? How can I be faithful when my body prohibits me from doing what it used to be capable of doing? How can I be faithful?

There’s a note that I found that I had written years ago that says, “I exist to worship God for who He is and for what He has done. And lead others to worship Him also.” I don’t recall writing this, but it’s fairly simple.

How can I be faithful to God when I can’t see 4 feet in front of me? When my vision is blurry and full of stars? Worship Him, for He guides my steps.

How can I be faithful when my knees give way? Worship Him, He steadies me.

How can I be faithful when I am so overcome with shaking and tremors that I can’t move? Worship Him, He is a comfort in suffering.

How can I be faithful? How can we all walk in simple faithfulness? Worship Him. For who He is and what He has done.